


34

by cardinalwrites



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, M/M, Pain, endless pain, november 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-02
Updated: 2016-11-02
Packaged: 2018-08-28 17:46:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8455930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardinalwrites/pseuds/cardinalwrites
Summary: It's November 2, and Dean isn't taking it well.





	

34 Years.

 _34 Years might as well be 1 year all over again_ , Dean thinks to himself after Sam knocked on his door for what must’ve been the 15th time that morning. But Dean had no desire to get out of bed. He had no desire to do much of anything today. It was all supposed to be different. Mary was actually going to be here this year…

And then she left. Just like that, she was gone and out of his life once more.

So yeah, it’s still been 34 years, but the memories are different this time. They’re as fresh as they’v ever been.

 _“Dean? It’s two in the afternoon. You need to at least eat.”_ Sam’s voice came through the muffled door again. Dean could barely hear it over the sound of Metallica in his headphones.

Shit, was it afternoon already? Dean sighs. Time didn’t much matter today anyway.  _34 years_ didn’t matter today anyway.

There was a brief movement from the door when Dean felt it. He could feel something in his fighting to be calm, to be okay, but it wasn’t winning the battle. He wasn’t gonna let it because he wanted to feel that pain. He wanted to feel like an ass today because he deserved it if his mom left him like that. 34 years… That feeling was hitting him again, ever insistent. 

Dean knew what it was, or rather, who it was. He opens his mouth to speak for what feels like the first time since last week.

“Cas, quit it. Not today.”

There was another shuffling sound from the door before Dean heard the lock click. They’d taught Cas how to do that when he was human, before he could go back to blasting down every door with his angel mojo. Now the guy’s just polite enough to unlock it with his mojo regardless. Damn sensitive angel.

Castiel entered the room slowly, as if Dean was a scared cat that would lash out if provoked by something. He carefully sat down on the corner of the bed next to where Dean was hidden under the covers on the opposite side. Dean didn’t dare look at him. He knew that if he would he’d just shut his eyes and succumb to that calm Cas was trying to provide. 

“Dean––”

“Don’t,” Dean cursed at how shaken he sounded, how broken he must look. It’s been a week and yet here he was acting like he was 4 all over again. Today wasn’t supposed to be this way. They were going to actually make something of it, rewrite the past 30 years of visiting Mom’s grave and telling her about his year, telling her about Sammy and Cas, about him going dark or him seeing the light. He can’t even do that anymore. Dean could feel himself sinking, but he refused to look at Cas, who has had his eyes trained on the hunter since the beginning. “Don’t… don’t try to make me feel good.”

“Dean I––”

“I said  _no_  Cas.” The minute Dean heard the break in his voice he knew Cas wasn’t going anywhere. He cursed under his breath and shifted his view from the wall to his hands. “I’m useless Cas. Just, quit wasting your time,” he muttered under his breath.

There was a beat of silence, a moment where Dean thought Cas would actually listen to him for once before he heard Cas kick off his shoes and felt the covers move in the bed. He only finally caved when he felt two hands try to pry open the shell he made around him.

“I need you to look at me, Dean,” Castiel whispered between them, his hands now cradling Dean’s. “I need you to see the world right now.”

Dean raised his head to finally lock eyes with his best friend, his angel, the guy he finally owned up to his feelings for after he came back with Mary in the first place. This was still so new, all of it, and today of all days was not the time for Cas to tell him Cas is leaving too.

“I. Am. Not. Leaving. You.” Castiel read his mind. He always somehow did that. “I understand that you thought this year would be different, that memories could be rewritten with your mother being here, but you need to understand that none of this is your fault. It is okay that you had hopes for all of this. It is entirely within your jurisdiction to have thought that far, but,” He moved to cradle Dean’s head to make sure Dean didn’t pull away. “It is not okay to blame yourself for another person’s actions.”

Dean didn’t say anything. He couldn’t without just breaking down completely. He could feel the last few shreds of his hate being overtaken by the calm Cas was bringing, how his heart was still heavy but not with pain anymore. Dean wasn’t hurt physically, but Cas always knew when and how to heal his shattered heart.

Cas could see this entire battle taking place in Dean’s head. Words would do no more now. What Dean needed was action. Slowly, Cas moved to position Dean between his arms and out of his cocoon. What Dean needed now was assurance. Comfort, and thought Castiel was not Mary, he was with Dean. He placed a gentle kiss on Dean’s head before Dean finally let go, before he finally succumbed to Castiel’s grace trying to soothe him. Dean felt it all, like a damn opening up and encircling him, the pain flooding away like the midnight tide on the beach. Dean hadn’t felt that peaceful in a long, long time, and it’s all thanks to the one that is currently the only thing holding him together.

“Cas?” His throat was hoarse.

“I am here, Dean.”

“Can you stay here tonight?”

Dean felt arms tighten around him and a small smile on the back of his head.

“Always, Dean.”

34 Years. But this was Year 1 with Cas.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi on [tumblr](http://cardinalwrites.tumblr.com/) and reblog the [story!](http://cardinalwrites.tumblr.com/post/152658947744/34-years-34-years-might-as-well-be-1-year-all)


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